Fantasy is a powerhouse in intimate relationships. The daydream of, “what we could be,” is an enigmatic force that drives our expectations high and emotions even higher. This is especially true when, “what we actually are,” looks very different from the fantasy. If you got caught up in fantasy about a relationship then, congratulations---you are human!
In my last post I addressed when expectations in relationships don’t align with reality. But, what happens when, the, “what we could have been,” relationship comes to an end? Here are a few ideas to reflect on with yourself (it could be helpful to journal about these topics):
Step outside of your idea of the relationship and look at it through the lens of what it actually was. Do not make excuses for why it was not a certain way or justify anything about the dynamic; just look at the reality of the relationship. What did the relationship look like?
How did you feel during your interactions with this individual when you were both present and interacting?
How did you feel about this individual when you were apart from one another?
What were your hopes in regards to the relationship?
Are these hopes based upon your own desires or are they based upon other’s standards of relationships (e.g., family, friends, society)?
What personal characteristics did you fantasize that your partner had?
What personal characteristics did you wish you had in the relationship? Are these traits based in reality? Are these traits attainable?
How are you currently feeling? Allow yourself space to feel your feelings.
Honor your grief.
The traits that you wished for from your partner are worth examining, as these may be traits that are important to you when it comes to your relationship values. When you are ready to move forward with dating other people, look at the traits that you listed. If these are still valuable to you, remember these traits when you meet new people. Remember, if they do not possess these traits, they may never, and the fantasy cycle may continue.
The part of your brain that is creating the stories about the love you crave is a powerful voice and the brain is a phenomenal storyteller. Understanding the difference between your fantasies and the reality is important when it comes to setting your expectations and boundaries. It is also 100% valid to grieve the loss of something that looked different in your mind than it did in reality because there are no rules when it comes to grief. If you find yourself falling in love with potential, stay mindful about the reality.