Expectation: a belief that someone will or should achieve something.
A vague definition for a word that holds so much weight in how we view others, and ultimately how we view ourselves. In the recent rise of on-demand dating (aka: dating apps) and hook-up culture, the word, “expectation,” has begun it’s evolution towards being a taboo concept. In my years on the dating scene, hearing about dates from my friends, and working with client’s who are navigating through the dating world, it has become evident that many people view the concept of, “no expectations,” as a safe bet to live by.
When people disclose about their sexual and romantic connections, it is often coupled with the blasé statement, “I have no expectations.” However, actually having ZERO expectations appears to be far less common compared to the amount of times I hear people say they have, “no expectations.” Does this mean everyone who has some expectations deep down needs to learn to expect nothing?
When I examine the root of expectations, it appears that we have them everywhere. We expect certain treatment from our friends, families, colleagues, and even strangers. But, when there is a connection between two (or more) bodies, are our expectations are supposed to vanish? Sexual relationships appear to be a common place that, “no expectations,” is thrown around like confetti on New Years Eve. But, having expectations for how others treat you goes hand in hand with having healthy boundaries and knowing your worth. Even in the lens of casual sex, having expectations and boundaries is important to catering to your own well being and pleasure. If you are 100% free of expectations, you may be setting yourself up for settling in a dynamic that does not serve you.
With this in mind, it could benefit you to hold realistic expectations to those you engage with sexually and/or romantically. How do you do this? Listen to what is told to you (both in actions and in words). For example, if your, “we’re not together, but we’re only sleeping with each other for now until one of us sleeps with someone else,” partners is telling you they do not want a committed relationship, then holding out the expectation that this person will definitely commit to you is setting you both up for failure. This isn’t to say that this person can NEVER commit, but that is not in your control. What is in your control is if your expectations exceed the reality of what you are getting from your dynamic.
If you are finding that your expectations are on a much different level from the type of love/care/affection/sexual respect you are getting, then this is a good time to re-assess. What do your expectations look like? Is the person(s) in your life holding up to their end of the bargain? Are you listening when their wants/needs are disclosed? What are their actions telling you? What do YOU value and desire and are you communicating this? If there is a disconnect between you and your partner(s) in these questions, it can be time to do one of two things: shift your expectations or shift your dynamic. It is important to communicate your expectations to your romantic/sexual partner(s). We all hold different values, wants, needs, and desires; it’s best not assume those in your life know exactly what is on your mind.
In short, I’d like to reframe the paradigm of, “I have no expectations,” to, “I have expectations that are in line with my self-worth and that are based in reality.”