The Ghosts of Your Partner's Past

The good old past—coming to a brain near you to shake shit up at any given moment. Most of us humans have experienced the epic show that the good old past puts on when it steps into the spotlight. This performance is even more spectacular when the theme of the show is your romantic partner’s past. 

More often than not, I hear people discuss the not-so warm and fuzzy feelings that their partner’s prior relationships bring them. Whether it is the number of people their partner has slept with before them or the ex they were in a long-term relationship with, these concepts carry a lot of weight and significance to many.  

The past can be a handy tool when it comes to figuring out a new relationship, as you can see patterns and possibly red flags. But, let’s say this person checks out in your book, enough to further your relationship, and their past still consumes you. How can you navigate through this? 

First off, do you find yourself:

• Comparing yourself to your partner’s ex-lovers?

• Avoiding doing activities with your partner due to the fact they may have done them with an ex?

• Fighting with your partner over their past?

• Spending your time lurking your partner’s ex on social media?

If you have answered yes to any of these questions, then I’d like you to think about how this way of reacting is helpful for you. Chances are, these thoughts and behaviors do not elicit joy in you and if you’ve watched, “Tidying Up with Marie Kondo,” then you know what to do with things that don’t elicit joy—throw them away! 

While we can’t literally discard our thoughts and behaviors like a sweater we haven’t worn in years, we can rework our thoughts to better serve us. My two favorite tools that ANYONE can use in their relationships are acceptance of your partner and holding your boundaries. 

If someone’s past holds actions that you simply cannot accept, then it is healthier (and kinder) for both you and your partner for you to hold your boundary and accept what cannot be changed; this may mean walking away from your relationship. If walking away from your relationship is an option that you do not want to take, then acceptance of who your partner is, past and present, is imperative to having a happy and healthy relationship. Acceptance does not mean you have to embrace your partner’s ex-lover, but to accept that their past existed is really all you can do.  

Remember:

• You cannot change the past

• The number of previous lovers your partner had is not a quantitative measurement of their love for you.

• The memories they shared with someone before you do not devalue the memories you will share with them now unless you let them. 

• You (likely) have a past as well. 

The fun fact about the past is that it can never be changed, no matter how much we wish it could be. It is my belief that each of you deserve so much more than holding yourself hostage over something that can never change.

Back To Reality: When the Fantasy Comes to an End

Fantasy is a powerhouse in intimate relationships. The daydream of, “what we could be,” is an enigmatic force that drives our expectations high and emotions even higher. This is especially true when, “what we actually are,” looks very different from the fantasy. If you got caught up in fantasy about a relationship then, congratulations---you are human! 

In my last post I addressed when expectations in relationships don’t align with reality. But, what happens when, the, “what we could have been,” relationship comes to an end? Here are a few ideas to reflect on with yourself (it could be helpful to journal about these topics):

• Step outside of your idea of the relationship and look at it through the lens of what it actually was. Do not make excuses for why it was not a certain way or justify anything about the dynamic; just look at the reality of the relationship. What did the relationship look like?

• How did you feel during your interactions with this individual when you were both present and interacting? 

• How did you feel about this individual when you were apart from one another?

• What were your hopes in regards to the relationship?

  • Are these hopes based upon your own desires or are they based upon other’s standards of relationships (e.g., family, friends, society)? 

• What personal characteristics did you fantasize that your partner had? 

• What personal characteristics did you wish you had in the relationship? Are these traits based in reality? Are these traits attainable?

• How are you currently feeling? Allow yourself space to feel your feelings.

• Honor your grief. 

The traits that you wished for from your partner are worth examining, as these may be traits that are important to you when it comes to your relationship values. When you are ready to move forward with dating other people, look at the traits that you listed. If these are still valuable to you, remember these traits when you meet new people. Remember, if they do not possess these traits, they may never, and the fantasy cycle may continue. 

The part of your brain that is creating the stories about the love you crave is a powerful voice and the brain is a phenomenal storyteller. Understanding the difference between your fantasies and the reality is important when it comes to setting your expectations and boundaries. It is also 100% valid to grieve the loss of something that looked different in your mind than it did in reality because there are no rules when it comes to grief. If you find yourself falling in love with potential, stay mindful about the reality. 

Great Expectations

Expectation: a belief that someone will or should achieve something. 

A vague definition for a word that holds so much weight in how we view others, and ultimately how we view ourselves. In the recent rise of on-demand dating (aka: dating apps) and hook-up culture, the word, “expectation,” has begun it’s evolution towards being a taboo concept. In my years on the dating scene, hearing about dates from my friends, and working with client’s who are navigating through the dating world, it has become evident that many people view the concept of, “no expectations,” as a safe bet to live by. 

When people disclose about their sexual and romantic connections, it is often coupled with the blasé statement, “I have no expectations.” However, actually having ZERO expectations appears to be far less common compared to the amount of times I hear people say they have, “no expectations.” Does this mean everyone who has some expectations deep down needs to learn to expect nothing?

When I examine the root of expectations, it appears that we have them everywhere. We expect certain treatment from our friends, families, colleagues, and even strangers. But, when there is a connection between two (or more) bodies, are our expectations are supposed to vanish? Sexual relationships appear to be a common place that, “no expectations,” is thrown around like confetti on New Years Eve. But, having expectations for how others treat you goes hand in hand with having healthy boundaries and knowing your worth. Even in the lens of casual sex, having expectations and boundaries is important to catering to your own well being and pleasure. If you are 100% free of expectations, you may be setting yourself up for settling in a dynamic that does not serve you.

With this in mind, it could benefit you to hold realistic expectations to those you engage with sexually and/or romantically. How do you do this? Listen to what is told to you (both in actions and in words). For example, if your, “we’re not together, but we’re only sleeping with each other for now until one of us sleeps with someone else,” partners is telling you they do not want a committed relationship, then holding out the expectation that this person will definitely commit to you is setting you both up for failure. This isn’t to say that this person can NEVER commit, but that is not in your control. What is in your control is if your expectations exceed the reality of what you are getting from your dynamic. 

If you are finding that your expectations are on a much different level from the type of love/care/affection/sexual respect you are getting, then this is a good time to re-assess. What do your expectations look like? Is the person(s) in your life holding up to their end of the bargain? Are you listening when their wants/needs are disclosed? What are their actions telling you? What do YOU value and desire and are you communicating this? If there is a disconnect between you and your partner(s) in these questions, it can be time to do one of two things: shift your expectations or shift your dynamic. It is important to communicate your expectations to your romantic/sexual partner(s). We all hold different values, wants, needs, and desires; it’s best not assume those in your life know exactly what is on your mind.

In short, I’d like to reframe the paradigm of, “I have no expectations,” to, “I have expectations that are in line with my self-worth and that are based in reality.”